_
MAN [OVER RADIO]: Car 27, weâre still waiting on you guys.
Come on. Move your car back.
CULLEN: Yeah, copy that. Listen, itâs just...
Can I just say, weâve already moved back three times,
and if we move back again, weâre gonna be
the furthest car back in the whole raid here.
Uh, and donât forget, we were the first car here.
MAN: Detective Cullen, Iâm not gonna ask you again.
Move your car further back.
- CULLEN: Okay, yeah, copy that. - [ENGINE STARTS]
Weâre moving back. Weâre moving back.
_
- Un-fucking-believable. - [SIGHS]
Weâre so far back, we canât even see the warehouse now.
- How many jurisdictions are here? - Okay, look, just calm down.
Letâs roll the windows down and get some fresh air in here.
No, I donât need fresh air, okay?
I need to not be constantly overlooked.
We were here first. Now weâre so far back,
we canât even see the target location.
Okay.
Oh, hey. Got something for you.
Check it out.
Mm, yeah, no. Thatâs not it. Wait.
- Ow, wait. - No, no.
That doesnât help. No.
I was gonna let you see it.
I was just trying to get the focus together.
I donât need to look at the warehouse
through your novelty telescope, okay?
I need to be the closest car there, not the fifth car back.
Can I have my telescope back, please?
Sure, sure.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Why do you have that?
Well, I brought it the first night of our stakeout, remember?
We were back at the docks.
I thought itâd be a fun little nautical theme for the car.
Actually, this belongs to my grandpa.
He was a first class seaman in the Navy.
He picked this up in Malta.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Lot of semen in your family?
Mm-hmm, yeah, lot of seamen.
My grandpa, uh... my cousin Nathan,
and his daughters, both, all seamen.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Is there any semen on your momâs side?
Oh, yeah, thereâs a lot of seamen on my momâs side.
My cousin is on my momâs side.
And my dadâs side, too, you know.
On my dadâs side there, my Uncle Kevin.
- Yeah. - Thatâs my dadâs brother.
- Oh, okay. - Yeah.
But the rest of the semen is on your mom?
Uh... Mm-hmm.
Load of semen, all over your mom?
Yeah.
Do you not see what Iâm doing here?
Semen.
Semen, a load of semen all over your mom.
- Yeah, yeah. - Honestly, I-I donât... Itâs so obvious.
I donât know how you donât detect it, you know?
Itâs-itâs not satisfying for me.
Oftentimes, Iâll make a joke like that,
and you just, you wonât get it.
Oh. I get it.
I really do. I get the jokes.
I just choose to not engage in your type of humor. Okay?
Iâm a hard joke guy.
This whole mean wordplay thing that youâve been doing lately,
it doesnât look good on you.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, yup.
This doesnât work.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING]
♪ While away while someone counts the minutes ♪
♪ Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off ♪
♪ By the way, I told you we were in this ♪
♪ Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it. ♪
♪
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com
FATIMA: I just wanted to say
Iâm sorry for taking dispatch for granted.
And Iâm sorry I took you for granted.
And Iâm... Iâm really, really, really sorry.
Okay, Janice, honestly,
I donât know what you want me to say here.
I didnât ask you to say anything.
Thatâs your guilt filling the silence.
Okay.
Well...
I guess I have been thinking about it a lot, and...
I could see myself making a go of dispatch.
Well, I guess 911 wasnât so exciting after all.
- So boring. - Mm.
And so many prank calls.
The worst were the ones where people would call and just...
just breathe heavily.
Thatâs a choker.
What?
If someone calls, right,
and thereâs heavy breathing on the other line,
or theyâre not talking at all,
83% of those people are choking on something.
Somethingâs lodged in their throat
or theyâre physically being choked.
Either way, they canât talk.
Right.
So I assume you called an ambulance?
Yeah.
_
Whatâs the worst thing youâve ever done?
I stole a baby.
- You stole a baby? - Yeah.
Remember Karen?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Weâd gone through, like, I donât know,
four pregnancies that ended in miscarriages and...
- I didnât know that. - Yeah.
Sorry.
Eh.
She really wanted that baby,
but I didnât want to put her through another pregnancy,
so I figured maybe the best move would be to...
steal a baby.
You know, in the middle of the night from someoneâs house.
Kind of the decent thing to do.
How so?
Well, I guess I kind of figured,
if we stole someoneâs baby from the supermarket
or, you know, out of a stroller at the park or something,
the parentâs gonna always feel
like they failed the child somehow,
like, they shouldâve been more attentive
or they shouldâve been better parents.
They would blame themselves, like, every day
for the rest of their lives.
But... if I just go jimmy a window
in the middle of the night,
scoop a kid out of a, out of a crib,
thereâs no way the parents could beat themselves up over that.
They... Thatâs just, like, you know,
thatâs just a tragedy that befell them, really.
So you were trying to be considerate...
Yes, yes, exactly.
...about the baby you were stealing?
You get it. Yeah.
Okay.
So, grabbed this really cute little bundle of joy,
brought her home.
But... Karen had a real problem with it
just because, you know, she felt, like...
angry that Iâd kept her in the dark about the baby.
You didnât tell her
that you were planning on stealing a baby?
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no. It was a surprise.
It was her birthday.
It was, like, gonna be the big present.
She... I got her, like, a bunch of presents,
and then this was gonna be the last, final, big one.
But the baby started crying before she even unwrapped it,
so the whole thing was ruined.
- You wrapped the baby? - Yeah.
I mean, like, I wrapped it at the last second.
Iâm not, like, a... Iâm not a fucking monster.
You know, but the baby started crying,
so she knew what was in the thing.
And that started a cascade
of classic Karen questions.
"Whereâs this baby from? Whose baby is this?
What did you do? How could you do this to me?"
- I feel like... - "How could you do this to them?"
...those are all questions that I would also ask.
Whatever. I ended up taking the baby back.
She and I split up, and, you know,
it was kind of a blessing in disguise
âcause it, like, really brought out
a bunch of the red flags for me and Karen.
You know, she was just really ungrateful,
complained a lot, and couldnât appreciate
that I was giving her the things in life
that she really wanted.
So, bullet dodged.
_
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
I think weâre almost there, cabrón.
Yes.
Itâs getting kind of softer, you know.
You know whatâs good about that?
Huh?
Now is the time
to exchange the gifts.
What-what sort of gifts?
Coming to the end of the tunnel gifts.
Oh.
When-when you finish a...
drug tunnel, you give each other gifts to celebrate?
You didnât get me anything?
I just didnât know it was a thing.
- Oh, my God. - Well...
I donât even know if I should give you your gift now.
Donât give me the gift, man. I donât deserve it.
Okay.
You really donât have to.
You can be my assistant in America.
Up high.
Thatâs your fucking gift?
- Th-That was the gift? - Really?
Oh, okay. [LAUGHS]
Th-The stones on you, cabrón.
You make me feel bad?
Employment in the greatest country ever... not a gift.
No, itâs not a gift.
You know, itâs useless to me.
First of all, assistant.
Like, not even, like, you know, partner.
Right? Second of all, Iâm not going to America,
so it is completely worthless to me.
- Why not? - I donât know, âcause I have a wife
at home, that might or might not love me,
- that I need to go back to. - Wait a second.
Wait a second? You wait a second.
We agreed that you were not going back to her.
No, no, no. You decided. I was a little on the fence about it.
But now Iâve made up my mind.
Especially after seeing the shitty gifts that await me.
Well, maybe Iâll just take back my gift.
You know what, Roberto?
I think that would be a good idea.
All right.
You made me do this, Miggie.
You give me no choice.
Youâre fired.
Youâre no longer my assistant.
Good-bye.
MAN [OVER RADIO]: DEA confirms raid is on tonight.
MAN 2: Copy that. Weâre informing all units?
MAN: Not yet. Soon.
Whatâs funny?
Hmm?
What are you smiling about?
Huh?
Ah...
What?
Well, yesterday, I was out
putting up flyers in the neighborhood.
You know, trying to find that dog Dennis?
Oh, shitty Kyleâs shitty dog?
- Yeah, yeah, heâs been lost. - Right. Right.
So, anyways, Iâve been trying to find him after work,
so Iâve been going around my neighborhood,
- putting up flyers everywhere. - Okay.
So, yesterday, I stopped at this vetâs office in my neighborhood
and asked her if I could put up a flyer
- for the missing dog. - Right.
We started talking, and I was asking her
about animals and stuff.
So, anyways, we, um... we went to have dinner.
Right.
- And we started having drinks. - Okay.
And, uh, we talked, and we had more drinks
- and some more drinks. - Uh-huh. More drinks.
And then I said, "I better get you home."
- So I drove her home, right? - Okay. After the drinks?
Yeah, after the drinks. I was hoping
you would skip over that part.
Doesnât matter, doesnât matter.
Anyways, uh, so, uh, I get in front of her house.
Weâre parked in my car, and we start kissing and stuff.
- Okay. - Yeah, I mean,
weâre going at it like two teenagers.
And I havenât, I havenât done that in a long time.
I have not kissed a person
with an open mouth in decades.
- Decades? - Yeah.
Yeah, Lisa does not like open-mouth kissing.
I didnât know... You never told me that.
Well, why would I tell you that?
- Itâs kind of personal. - Yeah.
- Anyways, back to my story. - Right.
So, weâre going at it, weâre in my car, you know,
and then she says, "Hey, come on in.
We can make love in my place."
And I go, "Hey, baby,
I got something even better than that."
- Okay. - So guess where I took her to.
- Where? - The yurt.
Th-The yurt that Kyle has been building?
- Yeah. - Why?
âCause why not?
- Fuck Kyle. - Right.
He used my tools to build that yurt.
- Uh-huh. - I took her into that yurt,
and I laid her down, and we started making love,
and I just gave it to her good.
- Right, - And then,
- when I reached my zenith, - Mm-hmm.
I looked up, and guess what I saw in the doorway.
What?
Dennis, the Irish wolfhound,
staring at me.
And I looked at him, he looked at me.
We locked eyes.
And he knew he could not fuck with me.
Right.
I was the leader of the pack.
Mm-hmm.
He turned around and hightailed it out of there.
- Oh, man. - Yeah.
Thatâs awesome.
I just got a couple questions, though,
âcause itâs, like, itâs awesome... Itâs an awesome story.
What questions could you possibly have? I covered every detail.
- Oh, totally, totally, yeah. - Yeah.
I mean, the detail was so exquis...
I just want to unpack some of that detail.
Just when you said, like, "I reached my zenith."
- Yeah? - That means y-you came, right?
- Yes. - Right. Uh, yeah.
And you looked at the dog,
and then the dog slunk its tail and ran away.
- Yeah. Yeah. - You dominated the dog.
Did it really happen?
- No. - Thatâs okay.
And, uh, riddle me this.
Was he even there? Dennis the dog.
No, heâs still missing.
- Nobody knows where he is. - Okay, right.
- Iâm buying it a little more now. - Yeah.
Were you even in the yurt?
Not when we made love.
- We made love in her house. - Okay.
And then I drove by the yurt when I was going home.
Okay. But you did have sex with her? Did you?
- Yes. - You did.
- Hundred-percent true. - Okay.
- Well, thatâs all that matters to me. - Okay.
- You know, Iâm so happy for you. - Thank you.
Okay? And listen, I want you to know...
I donât need the crazy stories
and the narrative and the yurt and the dog and...
- I donât need that stuff, okay? - Okay.
You did it. You.
- Thatâs all that matters to me. - Yeah.
- Hey, you-you are enough for me. - Thanks.
Important you hear that. Hey, look at me.
Youâre enough.
- Thanks. - Okay.
Hey, movie night.
Streets of San Francisco?
Yeah, Streets of San Francisco.
♪ Letâs do it ♪
- You gonna take that for me? - Yeah, all right.
I got a surprise for you for movie night.
- Okay. Yeah. - Yeah, you ready?
♪ Bum ba dum bum ba da bum ♪ Check it out.
Oh, whatâs that?
It is, uh, popcorn. Fresh popcorn, my man.
- Popcorn in the car? - Yeah.
Itâs gonna be good.
Okay, yeah. What the fuck? Weâre celebrating.
So, what are we, season one here?
Season one.
[POPCORN MACHINE WHIRRING]
Iâll do it. Iâll-Iâll go first.
Okay.
ANGUS: Of course Iâm happy for you, Mom.
Yes, that-that...
I just wish you would have been honest with me from the start,
because I wouldnât have invested so much in the guy.
Does that make sense?
Okay, okay.
I-I got to go. Love you, Mom.
Bye.
Your mom?
Howâs she doing?
Seeing someone else.
Oh, really?
She say who?
Some new fucking idiot. I donât know.
Well, I donât know.
You donât know that heâs an idiot.
No, I do know heâs an idiot, because itâs been
a revolving door of idiots for the majority of my life.
Okay?
I donât want to meddle, but, like, maybe you should
- cut your mom some slack. - No.
No, Iâm not, Iâm not even... This new guy,
whoever he is, Iâm not giving him a chance.
Iâm not even gonna try.
I donât even want to meet him. Fuck this guy.
Well, maybe heâs, like, a-a
kind, generous-of-spirit man
who is sweet to her and well-traveled and
is someone... something, uh...
What?
Well-traveled?
Yeah. You know, maybe heâs, like, seen the...
- Are you fucking kidding me, Marco?! - Whoa.
- You? - What are you doing?
Me what?
What, Angus?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, youâre the new fucking idiot.
What do you mean?
Youâre the only person that Iâve ever met
that uses the term "well-traveled"
as if itâs some kind of a virtue.
Itâs not, by the way.
200 years ago, maybe that was impressive,
because it was hard to get around.
Now, who the fuck cares?
I donât even know what weâre talking about right now.
Weâre talking about the fact that youâre fucking my mom.
- I didnât say that. - Yeah, I know.
I just figured that out, and you wonât admit it to me.
Okay.
I donât want to lie to you, okay?
This is not how I wanted you to find out.
Your mom and I planned on taking you out to dinner
after we finish this job...
- Oh, my God, no. - ...to explain the whole thing.
How it happened, whatâs going on,
what the future is.
TOLBECK: Ooh, get him.
- Get those dirtbags. - Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES]
Thatâs gonna be us soon.
Yeah, thatâs right.
Hey, I thought we were too far back.
No, I think we move pretty quick.
I think we can get there and bag us some dirt.
- Mm-hmm. - [SIREN WAILING OVER TV]
More popcorn?
- Yeah, man. The saltier the better. - All right.
So this whole thing
about me giving you some sort of a sign
that I wanted you to kill Adrian,
that was bullshit, right?
It was because of you and my mom. Right?
Eh... I donât know, there might be some truth to that.
I might have had
some personal motives for killing Adrian.
Okay, listen, Iâm just gonna tell you what happened.
One day, your mom came up to my room,
when I was staying at the house,
and sheâd made some sort of, um...
lobster quiche?
I took one bite.
Honestly, I donât get it.
I thought it was disgusting. I spit it on the floor.
I-Iâm not sure; I was on all sorts of pain meds.
I think I threw the dish across the room at her.
That pissed her off.
So what, do you love my mom?
I donât know if itâs love, but we have
what is undeniably the most sexually compatible relationship
of my entire life. She climbed on top of me,
and I didnât know if she was trying to fuck me or kill me,
and that flipped a switch in me, and I donât know, since then,
I-I canât get enough of her, you know?
[GROANS] Oh, my God.
Sheâs gonna be really mad that I told you, which...
isnât the worst thing for me,
âcause when sheâs mad, she gets super horny.
Holy shit, the hole.
Marco. The hole is moving.
- What? - The holeâs moving.
Really?
Fucking finally.
- All right. Here we go. - Donât fucking touch me.
A-All right. Jesus.
[MUFFLED DIGGING]
[GRUNTING]
[BOTH COUGHING]
[PANTING]
I think this is it, cabrón.
- Are you ready? - Wait.
I have to tell you something.
What?
I lied to you about the other tunnel.
I told you I-I just quit.
I didnât quit.
They fired me.
They said I didnât...
have the right look for that tunnel.
Oh, Roberto.
Hey.
Who cares about those guys?
We made it, cabrón. Weâre almost there.
But what if I fail at the stand-up?
What if Iâm not funny? What if I suck?
What if all this writing was for nothing, huh?
No, cabrón. You are Roberto the Experto, you hear me?
Theyâre gonna fucking love you, cabrón.
And all we got to do, crawl through there,
so you can go have your fame and your entourage.
You know? The beautiful entourage, right?
- Are you ready for this, cabrón? - Yeah.
America. Just for you.
Ready?
Letâs do this, man.
[GRUNTING, SPEAKING SPANISH]
Inspector 73 to headquarters.
Iâm operating a takeout vehicle and pursuing a felony suspect.
Turn that off, turn that off.
Huh?
Pursuing a turquoise...
- Yeah? - You hear something?
...California license 8-8-3, Ida, Nelly, Baker...
- No. - No.
I donât know.
- Move it. - [GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE]
[TV TURNS OFF]
- What? What is it? - Shh.
- [GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE] - Where did that come from?
- That was gunfire. No? - Yeah.
Where?
- [GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE] - Right over there.
What the fuck? They havenât called anything through.
- Oh, my... Oh, shit. - Whereâs the radio?
- Oh, shit. - What? Whereâs the radio?!
I unplugged the radio. I forgot to plug it back in.
What the... why did you do that?!
Because of the popcorn machine!
You fucking idiot, plug it back in!
- Oh. Oh, shit! - [GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
- What the fuck is wrong with you?! - Oh...
There it is! Itâs on, itâs on!
- Okay, okay. - FATIMA: Car 14, suspect approaching.
- He should be right on top of you. - Weâre missing it!
- We are missing this! - Oh, fuck!
Come on! Itâs not my fault.
Shut up! Grab your vest.
- Oh, man, itâs not my fault. - Jesus Christ.
You and your fucking fresh popcorn!
- Come on! - [HELICOPTER WHIRRING OVERHEAD]
Yeah, well, it makes the movie experience better!
- Shut up! - [GRUNTS]
Copy that. Car 48, proceed to the rear entrance.
Unit 5, be advised of an explosion
at the northwest corner of the warehouse.
Possible hazardous materials.
- Come on. Come on. - Coming.
If we miss this,
Iâm gonna fucking kill you.
All right, go, go, go.
- Climb, climb. - Okay... no, no, no.
- Boost me, boost me. - No, no!
- This way. Come on. - Oh, okay.
- Come on, come on. - Go, go, go, go, go!
- CULLEN: Get your gun. Get your gun. - TOLBECK: All right.
- Okay, here we go. - South...
This is it. Stand back, stand back.
Okay, here we go.
- Here we go. Hey. - What the fuck?!
- Huh? - Did you just shoot that door?!
Yeah. We had to get in!
It doesnât lock! Itâs okay!
Pincer, pincer. Pincer!
Move, move, move!
- Tolbeck! - Got it, got it!
- We got him! Freeze! - Freeze! Freeze!
Whoa, whoa, hey. Heâs dead, heâs dead.
Heâs dead. He is dead.
- Hey, donât touch the body! - Itâs okay.
- We were here first! - Slow down!
Read the badge! This is our bust!
- Here we go. Here we go. - To the left. To the left!
- Go, go, go! - Oh, man. Dead end.
- No, no, no. This way? - Dead end, dead end.
- Where is it? Where are we at? - Okay, here we go.
- Here we go, here we go. - MARCO: All right, Angus.
Let me call your mom first.
Hey, whoa. Hey.
I know you. Hey, Paul!
Thatâs Paul. I know him.
Cullen, look, a boat.
- I know. I see. - Thatâs so cool.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
- Fuck me. - I got it, I got it!
Here we go. Here we go.
- This is it. - Hey, watch out.
- What the...? - Hey, hey, stay back.
- No, no, no, itâs okay. - This areaâs hot.
- This is our bust. - We were here first.
- Ch-Check it out. - Stay back.
[BOTH PANTING]
FATIMA: Confirming all units.
The raid is completed and location is secure.
Good job, everyone.
Dispatch out.
Not bad.
- Not bad at all. - Wow.
- Not bad? That was very good. - Yeah.
Well, I told you dispatch is where itâs at.
- [EXHALES] - Yeah.
But youâre still on trial.
- No. - Yeah.
I made you proud. I can tell.
[SCOFFS] You didnât make me proud.
- Itâs part of the job. - Oh...
I can see it.
Youâre basically welling up, tears of pride in your eyes.
There arenât any tears in my eyes.
You didnât think I could do it,
- and then I surpassed your expectations. - Bing Bong.
No. Bing Bong doesnât work anymore.
Says who?
Me. I killed Bing Bong.
Oh, geez, Iâm shivering.
Yeah.
[WHOOPS]
[EXHALES]
Ready for another drug bust.
[INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
TOLBECK: Well...
looks like we missed it.
You think?
Yeah.
- Yep. - Why do you think that is?
- Oh, you know, certain factors. - Factors?
- Looks like... yeah. - What kind of factors?
Um, certain...
Like you unplugging the radio kind of factors?
- Well... - That the kind of factors you...
- [PANTING] - Hey.
[GRUNTS]
Thatâs it, thatâs it. Thatâs it between us.
- Thatâs it. - Come on, you donât mean...
No, no, no.
- Donât... - Come on, Cullen.
Donât follow me! Donât you follow me.
Hey, put the...
Fuck!
Seriously, we are done professionally!
Fucking ass!
Uh...
Hey, Cullen, I need a ride home.
Uh, my lunch is in the car, also.
TOLBECK: Sorry I said that so loudly.
You donât need to hear about that.
♪
♪ You won the prize ♪
♪ At last, you found somebody ♪
♪ You won the prize ♪
♪ Someone... ♪
[COUGHING]
[MUTTERS IN SPANISH]
Oh, shit. Cabrón, look.
You think thatâs where the fancy tunnel came out of?
Maybe.
MIGUEL: I guess we were the backup tunnel, huh?
ROBERTO: Thatâs a punch in the dick.
I got to go.
Wait. Roberto, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen.
Good luck.
Yeah. Gracias.
[PANTING]
Iâm coming with you, cabrón.
I always knew you would.
Ah. [LAUGHS]
Oh, Jesus. God.
Yeah. So... Jesus Christ, letâs...
Disguises.
- [SPEAKS SPANISH] - [CHUCKLES]
Thatâs so sweet of you, man.
- Oh. Oh. I mean... - Ah.
"Hello, gringo."
- Where are you? - [CHUCKLES]
Ay, bien, whereâd he go?
Oh, but I need an American name now, cabrón.
Um...
Michael.
- Michael? Mike. - Mike. Mike.
Ah. "Whatâs up? Iâm Mike."
[LAUGHS] Very gringo, huh?
[LOWERS VOICE] "Excuse me.
How do you like your finances?"
[BOTH LAUGH]
- They like the money here. - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Whatâs your name gonna be?
Mike. I have cable.
Right.
Okay, weâre both Mike.
I-I picked mine first, but...
Listen, seriously,
donât let people know that we came out of the backup tunnel.
Just completely shits over my narrative.
Okay. On it.
I donât think anybody would care though.
People care. Americaâs about first place.
♪ You won the prize ♪
♪ At last, you found somebody ♪
♪ You won the prize ♪
♪ Someone to call you honey ♪
♪ You won the prize ♪
♪ Stick with me and itâs gonna be sunny ♪
♪ Every day ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ You won the prize ♪
♪ They say the same... ♪